What to do When the Anti-Writing Zombies Attack (and they will) - The Storyteller - the wit and wisdom of Frank Coughlin
The Storyteller - the wit and wisdom of Frank Coughlin
 
Picture
There is no point in running as they are everywhere. Even if you buy a house in the woods or a desert, they will find you. It does not matter what kind of electric fence or any other security devices you install, they will find a way around them. They are Zombies - dull uncreative and drab and they are out to get you.
Zombies exist everywhere - you might have a couple in your family. They eat, drink, sleep, watch television and offer their opinions about everything. They wish to rot your brain so that you will be like them. They offer you candy to ride in the backseat of their expensive cars - but don't get in. Don't give into their temptations - they don't really care about you (they only want to rot your brain.)
I have survived Zombie attacks all my life. Therefore I can offer a few tips on how to survive a zombie attack.
1) Be a chameleon - This works if you are vastly outnumbered, say the only creative type in a roomful of zombies - you just pretend you are a zombie too. Ask when Dog the bounty hunter is coming on, or some other reality cable show. Works everytime.
2) Hold up an icon of Thought (a book perhaps) - this scares Zombies much like a crucifix scares vampires. They will shield their eyes and that will give you the space to escape.
3) Use drugs or alcohol to slow them down - If you choose to drink or smoke with them be careful what you say - you might arouse them. However most times, zombies will just look at you funny as if you are talking a different language. For example, once I got drunk with some zombies and started reciting poetry. They moved away from me and believed that I was being possessed by some demon. I then farted and everything returned to normal.
4)Burp or fart (or joke about burps or farts) - this always brings laughs and relieves the tension. Try to fade away quietly after this though or all night you will be stalked by Zombies wanting you to do it again.
5)Use this technique only if all else fails and you are backed into a corner by several layers of Zombies {pull out your iPhone (or any other hi-tech gear), drop it to the side of you and claim it is a very expensive cool gadget. For some unexplainable reason, Zombies are attracted to high tech things such as smart phones. Once you drop the iPhone, slowly walk away - you will never see your gadget in one piece again anyway.
Zombies almost always break high tech gadgets by checking to see if they'll float, survive a hammer blow or some other inane test.

The reason Zombies are so deadly is their numbers. They believe that anyone who is creative is crazy and would be better off dead (in the brain that is). They will do anything to get you to quit writing, even offer sexual favors (this is a rumor - it has never happened to me). Zombies will yell at you, tell you that you stink, laugh at you (the zombie's laugh is the worst thing in the universe), and offer you soda pop. I have seen good writers prey to Zombie-ism with their first burp or fart.

When Zombies come knocking at your door, tell them that you are being given a genius grant from the National Endowment for the Arts - they hate that. Zombies ususally hang out in the south but they can be found in a town  that has a tea party chapter. I have to go now - I hear an angry mob of zombies  on my lawn complaining about my television being set for PBS. Luckily, I have an old iPhone sitting around.



Leave a Reply.